Our Philosophy

Listen: 
To David and Christina's interview on
KCSB's "The Messenger" Radio Show
Click here to listen to part 1
Click here to listent to part 2

Introduction

This page introduces some of our basic principles and practices.  We encourage you to start putting these to use today to improve your relationships with your children.

These concepts are fairly simple, but we have found that they do represent a fundamental shift away from the way most of the world is raising and caring for children -- thus our organization's name: ChildShift.  Our goal is to help shift this dominant (and dominating!) paradigm and provide an alternative choice to practices like punishments/rewards and "time-outs"while still getting their needs met.

Important: we have found that it is one thing to understand a concept, but it is another thing entirely to actually put it into practice in our daily lives and relationships.  That's why we strongly encourage you to take full advantage of the Support and Resources that we offer to really bring this alive in your lives.  And remember, be patient with yourself and the children!  Change takes time and practice.  If you find that you try some of these and they don't work right away, keep trying...and get support from us.  We are happy to be of service!

"Look beyond What you See"

In his book "Unconditional Parenting", noted sociologist Alfie Kohn notes that, when he asks parents in his workshops what their long term goals are for their children, he sees that they want children that are happy, balanced, independent, fulfilled, reliable, self-reliant,  kind, thoughtful, loving, inquisitive and confident.  We have found the same to be true for us and the parents/teachers/caregivers we work with.

Yet so often, we get frustrated in our attempt to meet our short term needs in the face of a child's behavior, and so resort to force (punishments, rewards, etc) to get our needs met.  The following example from Alfie humorously points out a potential problem with this...

Of course we do want to protect the little sister from being hit (see "Use Protective -- Not Punitive Force" below)! But is our short term action really supporting those long terms goals we just listed?

We want to look beyond the immediate behavior and consider what's really going on with the child.  Rafiki, the wise baboon in "The Lion King" (yes, we do love kids movies) once advised Timon to "Look beyond what you see".  Of course, Timon took him literally, looking off into the distance!  But we urge you to take the advice for its intent, realizing that behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. 

So what could be going on for this child?  What is it she is needing? These are the questions we need to begin to ask.

Meeting everyone's needs

The Rolling Stones famously sing: "you can't always get what you want, but...you just might find you get what you need".

When we say "needs", we are referring to the fact that all of us have needs and values that sustain and enrich our lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration.¹ What we see is that our needs are never actually in conflict.  It's our strategies that we employ to meet our needs that can generate conflict.  Needs are universal, strategies are specific. 

For example, I want my child to clean his toys out of the living room, he wants to read his book.  My need is for order and cleanliness, his is for autonomy (the right to make his own decisions) and fun.  The wants are the strategies, and in this moment the wants are in conflict, but perhaps we can find a way to meet both our underlying needs in a way where we both can win.

Creativity and Flexibility

If our strategies --our wants -- are causing us conflict then we can simply engage our wonderful human capacity for innovation to find creative ways to what we want.  ChildShift teaches ways to tap into this creativity, for example, using the Lateral Thinking techniques developed by Edward De Bono.

However, if we wrack our brains and just can't find a way to meet all the wants, we can look to the underlying needs to see if there's a way to get those met in a different way.  This often calls us to be more flexible, but preserves connection and relationship while still getting our true needs met.

For example, why does the room need to be cleaned now?  Can my son finish up the chapter he's on and then put his things away?  Sometimes by giving a little, we get a lot.

Connection

Above all, we want to work on building our relationships with children outside of the times of conflict, so that when conflict arises, we have that strong relationship to draw upon.  In fact, we've noticed that if we are working to maintain connection with our children on a daily basis, we find a lot less conflict to begin with!

In the example above, my continued desire to help my son meet his needs leads to him taking a concern for mine.  Remember that children model what we do far more than what we say!

Protective, Not Punitive Use of Force

We want to be very clear that we are not advocating "permissive parenting"!  The key thing to remember is that we are interested in everyone getting there needs met.  This may mean that, in the moment, force must be used.  An obvious example is to protect another persons body or property.

The difference is in how the force is applied.  We have no desire to punish or make the child "wrong".  Our goal in those moments is to be clear that we are protecting someone elses needs (perhaps our own!), e.g. the need for safety, and then get clear on what need the child is trying to meet with their behavior so that we can help them find other, healthier strategies.

And There's More...

Does any of this sound interesting?  There is so much more that we'd like to teach you to help you transform your relationship with your children.  If you'd like to learn more, contact us and/or take advantage of our Support and Resources.

Some things you can start (or continue! ) to do today:

Listen - deeply and without agenda.  Try to hear underneath what your child is saying to identify their feelings and needs and reflect back to them what you hear to make sure you are hearing them correctly.

Let go when you can! If you want something from your child and it's generating a conflict, ask yourself: "what would happen if I just let this go?".  It's good to question our motivations occasionally, especially in the face of someone's resistance!  Think about what you are trying to acheive, and also consider what your child is trying to achieve by resisting (believe it or not, they may not be doing it just to annoy you!)

Take care of yourself.  Remember to "put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to help children".  Get support as best you can to make time to do the things that recharge your batteries so that, when challenges arise, you can be fully present, with all your resources available.

Make time to be with your children.  Remember that Attention is a key need for all of us, especially children.  Play their favorite games with them, get out into nature together, cuddle, hug, tell jokes, take trips.  Remember Bert the Chimney Sweep's warning from "Mary Poppins": "You've got to grind, grind, grind, at that grindstone / Though childhood slips like sand through a sieve / And all too soon they've up and grown / And then they've flown / And it's too late for you to give".  So make the time...as much as you can in this crazy world. Remembering that it's quality over quantity, and enjoy these precious years!

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"If we are to reach real peace in this world and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children; and if they will grow up in their natural innocence, we won't have to struggle, we won't have to pass fruitless idle resolutions, but we shall go from love to love and peace to peace, until at last all the corners of the world  are covered with that peace and love for which, consciously or unconsciously, the whole world is hungering" -- Gandhi

 

 

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¹  Source: Marshall B. Rosenberg and The Center for Nonviolent Communication, www.cnvc.org